Emily.

I walked into Wal Mart the other day and this girl looked so much like you, I got so excited and began to walk towards her and with 10ft between us my hands hit my knees, stomach turned, and tears overwhelmed my eyes. It was in that moment it hit me that girl was not you. Now I have made this very mistake several times but normally I walk off in embarrassment not in pain, but this time was different this time I realized I would never see you again in Wal Mart or any other random place for that matter, you were gone...

One of my closest friends growing up took her life last week... I want to share with you a little about Emily...

There has been an abundance of people that have come in and out of life but few that impacted me like Emily did. Emily had a beautiful spirit about her that you instantly felt you could trust, a quality that most people do not contain. Emily and I could talk for hours about nothing, but to Emily it was never nothing you could say something about not liking something random and months later she would remember it like you talked about it yesterday. You could share your problems with her and she would tell you what she really thought not just what you wanted to hear. Emily could care less about what someone else thought, she was always going to be herself and only herself. Once again a quality most people do not have, let alone a teenage girl.

Emily never missed a beat on telling a story and the way she told stories was almost magical. Emily probably never out weighed a 12 year girl and had eyes to match the sky. As she began to get into a story her arms would swirl around her, her fragile body would seem to dance about in much like the way the wind blows wheat in an open field, and her eyes would grow with each word.  She was always the provider of much entertainment. Emily would make any one smile, and not just a smirk, a smile that stretch from one side of your face to the other, with full teeth showing. Laughter seemed to follow her, she could have any one within a 15ft range of her laughing it was so contagious.

I could go on for days about the qualities she had and all the things I miss about her but one of the things I will miss the most is hearing her voice yell "Audie/Audball/Butterz/or Audra" as soon as she spotted me, her run full heartly towards me with arms out, legs squirming beneath her, and practically running into me, her face hitting one my shoulders, and arms wrapped so tightly around my whole body. I see her in my dreams and I relive those moments over and over.

I'll never forget Emily, Emily only continues to live through me each minute of each day, Emily taught me to accept others, and to always be myself no matter what, and to love wholeheartedly.

I love you Emmie, always.You are my sunshine my only sunshine...


...


I have experienced people questioning how I can still believe in God in situations like these and I can tell you if I didn't believe God is powerful before this I certainly can now. I believe God gives and takes away. God has not promised any of us  tomorrow. We live in a dark world and we only have light because of God. The world tells us to have happiness but I believe happiness is something we create, God provides my life with joy. God is my strength, nothing else in the world is certain besides him.

Hungry (Falling On My Knees) - Joy Williams

"Life ain't always the way it ought to be..."

I have had a hard time understanding people lately. I knew someone who was killed in a car accident this weekend, and as the news reported and online newspapers and such people began to leave comments. Their comments were shocking to me. Even if this person lost their life to their own mistake shouldn't you have enough heart not to comment such hateful things? This person left behind a family and friends which now have to read those things... those commenters were mad because he didn't think before he did something but they clearly didn't either or they wouldn't have posted those things either.

Phillippians 3:13

Today I was reading Holly Furtick's  (her husband is Pastor Steven  Furtick, whom I find to be most attractive) blog and I ran across an old blog post of hers, and the main point to one of the posting was that she finally realized that she didn't need to please everyone in her life (I feel like I learned that a long time ago, just with different situations that have taken place in my life) but the people I am around now I frequently find myself caring what they think about: me, what I am doing, and how I am doing it, to the point where it is completely stressing me out. Holly writes that she now only aims to please the people that God has directly put in her life, and I think that is a great idea. Not that everyone else isn't important or doesn't matter but I can not please 25 people on a daily basis, it is impossible. I will aim to please only about 5, because I know God has placed them there for a reason and I know with their guidance and support that's all I will need - person #6 may tell me that my shoes didn't exactly coordinate with my outfit on that given day, and I will take that advice and probably never pair those shoes with that outfit again but I can't worry about stuff like that on a daily basis, I do not have the time or the energy to do such - right now all my energies are focused on Christ and running towards him.

I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing, Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.
- Philippians 3:13

I am sure being busy is a sin...

Alabama - Check
Missouri - Check
VBS - Check

I have had three weeks of stuff just going constently it seems, this week I am striving to update this more and get into a schedule once again.

Under Open Skies

First off, I LOVE this song, it has been one of my favorites since I first started going to church. Why? I think it's the simplicity of the song "Praise Him under open skies, Everything breathing praising God, In the company of all who love the King, Let us dance, let us sing, It could be heavenly, Turn the music loud and sing" Ahhh, so beautiful. But the reason I posted this song goes back a little ways to when I was in Alabama. I was standing surrounded by enormous piles of mashed and twisted trees, bricks that had been tossed like a loafs of bread, and personal belongings were laying around me like the house was a snowglobe and was shook violently, and all my tiny dark brown eyes could focus on was the vast sparkling clear blue sky. Sometimes I think we take the beauty God created around us for granted, when was the last time you stopped and seriously stopped and looked around you? I remember standing there thinking how clear the sky was and how dark and cloudy it was in Wichita and how vast the sky was and how it is able to be completely packed of clouds in one place and so clear somewhere else, and how that was part of God's plan. - Step outside today and look around you and thank God for all he made.

Never let fear stop you, and always let God guide you.

I just returned from a week in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. A group of 10 people (including myself) from my church went down there to help with the disaster relief team of Samaritan's Purse. Originally I was suppose to go there with the youth, but two of my pastors asked me if I would be interested in going with a group of adults which were leaving in a little less than 6 days. My first response was "yes, of course" but as hours pasted by fear started to flood my mind. I realized I would be the youngest person going by 10 years (sorry Taryn) and I really knew nothing about these people other than their first and last names, I couldn't have filled about their Facebook info if I had to. Then I began to realize how much I would be missing out here (as in home) as well, as most of you know my youth pastor, Nic is leaving in about 2 months, which isn't really a long amount of time left here and when a week isn't really a long time when you subtract it from 2 months it is, especially when you are used to seeing that person everyday. So I went to talk to Nic about the things I was worrying about and he told me to never let fear be the reason of not doing something. So I told PB that yes, I was going to go on the trip. The few days I had left before leaving a packed and did my best to prepare my heart and mind for the things I would see and experience. Sunday morning rolled around and at 4:45am I arrived at the property, and climbed on to the bus and snuggled into my seat and left the state I call home. The trip was 13 and a half hours long, and about 8:30am our front drivers side tire blew out. We bounced and wobbled our way into the parking lot of Guts Church. Which was totally a God thing, they had a bus similar to ours so they had tools which we needed to get the now very flatted tire off the bus and they had a truck and someone who could take someone to get a new tire from a shop just down the road. As the tire was being bought and put on the bus several of us wondered into the church as service started so we enjoyed a very contemporary worship service and about the time it was ending the bus was ready to go as well. We made it to Alabama around 9:30 that night after stopping in Wynne, Arkansas for a tire again. Now from this point on a could tell you story after story after story about the experiences I had, the people I met, and I most likely will in some blog post after this one, but I think the common theme in all of those story's is God. The one who brought us there and the one we all called our Lord and Savior. I know after this trip that I have never seen God move in so many people before. I know without a doubt that my God was, is, and is to come! I saw people get saved, experience the love of God for the first time, people reconnect with God, and people pray like that was their last time to ever pray. The people I was afraid to leave with and didn't know were amazing and the bonds I made with those people are unbreakable and I know that if I never see them again here on earth (which I will totally see them more often now) I will see them in Heaven! Alabama and the people there have touched a place in my heart and my prayers will always be with them, May God continue to break my heart for what breaks his - especially as in 2 weeks the youth is heading to Joplin, Mo.

Royal Tailor - Hold Me Together

I heard this song today and I love it.

When it rains it pours.

Bad Day...
What's past is past, nothing in this world lasts.

Growin Up Won't Bring Us Down

I feel like I have learned more in the past 2 weeks then I have my whole 19 years of life...It's amazingly beautiful yet frightening at the same time.

One Day at a Time

Nic is leaving for Kentucky in July, I didn't think I'd have to deal with this for a couple more years but this is all apart of God's wonderful plan so I am handling this one day at a time...

Sweet Home Alabama...

We will be heading to Alabama some time in June and today I was looking through old pictures of New Orleans when we went a few years ago, and I remember to the toll that took on me not only physically but mentally. It was a life changing event and I don't say that flippantly, I mean every part of that. That whole trip affects my life, the way I buy things and the way I feel about my "stuff", that's just what it is, is STUFF. I know it makes people mad some time when I think that way but thats really how I view it. I have multiple purses and yes I like them and want to take care of them but if something happened to one of them it wouldn't be the end of the world for me. I would encourage you not to hold on to your stuff... please be praying for the people down there that call Alabama their home and pray for all the volenteers that give of their time to help serve them.

Rid me of myself, I belong to you.

"Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart"

I heard this song on the radio the other day and completely love it, then boyce sang it at church on good friday, and it's always popping in my head. so, i thought i'd post it to share !

My heart, Your home

We used the same place as we do for kids camp and at kids camp we always play this song, so every time I walk into that building all I can hear is this song.

GBAGH 2011

It's Tuesday, We got back Sunday afternoon, but I spent most of yesterday recovering not only physically but emotionally as well. I'd like to tell you that all the planning of ALL the leaders, the hours Nic spent preparing messages, the careful choosing of songs that Lehr did, and all the printing and putting together of papers and packets Zach and I did really made the difference. In all reality I know if it really made a difference because what I do know is that God showed up Saturday night in a big way. I don't know if there is anything else that you could want from a retreat.

A Rambling of Thoughts.

"When we are at our wits' end for an answer, then the Holy Spirit can give is an answer. But how can He give us an answer when we are still well supplied with all sorts of answers of our own?"

- Karl Barth

That's a quote from the latest book I have read it was, Francis Chan - Forgotten God. I remember getting this book one afternoon with Nic & Krystian and being so excited to read it but as things of this world got in the way it got pushed to several days later. I am one of those people who believes that God is in every moment of every second in my day and I remember having a rather difficult day the day I picked up the book and I love to read and after an hour or two I was already flipping to page 103 and I read that quote and just stopped, I knew God and meant for me to read that quote that day.

So since I have read that quote that has been my prayer. That I will allow God to supply my answers and I won't rely on myself and when I run out of patience (which I know I will) I will remember that God never promised to reveal plans to me all at once or in advance and that I need to stop fretting over figuring out God's will, I just need to pray. I pray that God will help me walk away from the enslaving worthless things in life. My God is an awesome and amazing God capable of ALL things big or small.

Take My Life - Jeremy Camp (with Lyrics)

Conclusion Theory

Before I start telling you what I have learned I must give you some background information...So, a couple of years ago Brenda (my mentor) had be make a list of all the qualities I wanted my future husband to have. I had a list of "must haves", and "these would be nice qualities to have but not a must", and one list with "no way Jose" qualities. Well over the past couple of years a few things on that list has changed, the shallow things have disappeared (expect for the fact he must be taller than me, that's one thing I refuse to change). But what really sticks out in my mind is: He must be a Christian. I really feel like on that line I should have included more detailed information. I have met several boys that I have told me that they are a Christian, and if everyone that said actually was, the world may actually be a better place but since that's not the case, just normally the religion of choice, sadly I need to add more to that line of "musts".
Must #1: I want a man of God, fully seeking and following after God daily, who puts God first in his life, and has a real relationship with him, someone who sets time during his day to spend it with his Lord and Savior.
I don't know what made me come to this conclusion, there was no big WA- LA moment, because it seems quite obvious, but I think if I would have said that before now it would have just been the good "church" answer and not really what I wanted.
Wrapping up my thoughts, I think that the physical attractiveness of a person changes over time but the inner attractiveness doesn't fade especially when that person is focused on Christ and has him at the center of their life. So, as far as I am concerned the most attractive quality of a guy is that he is in love with Jesus.

And this post is for you...

God has blessed you with a beautiful outer beauty, a stunning voice, but most importantly a gorgeous inner beauty, the way you want to seek after God is incredible. I am sure you were thinking you'd get more out of this then I would, but I really feel like I am learning a lot too! You keep me accountable, in the strangest ways, before I do something I think mhmm... what if you were here, what would you think? I am glad I have chosen to followed God in my daily walk, and that I followed him which allowed me to make good choices in life, so that I can be your mentor.Thanks for looking up to me as odd as that sounds it really keeps me accountable. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, I am glad you want to be apart of my life as much as I want to be apart of yours!

So Krystian this post is for you!

I have so much to say...

About alot of things but I will divide them up into different blogs, for easy reading!

This is my favorite song of the day:


Not the best video ever but I like when they include the lyrics, they are powerful.

So What Day is it Again?...

Krystian and I have been having a great time. We had a smoothie king date on tuesday night did I mention that yet? It was great!

Wednesday, was 2one2 Krystian spent the day with me so she kinda got to see what my day is like, kinda. Nic and Alex raced in the parking lot that was hilarious! They tied, then Alex pushed Nic on the ground (pictures on facebook) The little ones got to see Krystian sing for a little bit so that was cool!

Today is thursday and we just finished eating ice cream, okay lets be honest I didnt have any but everyone else did, I had Starbucks! (thanks Candace I needed it!) Earlier, at church I worked on Spring Retreat letters, everyone should get one and go to the retreat ! It's going to be amazing, I am excited - two words - MINI SESSION! (: Nic took Krystian and I to chipotle and I got a book, SO EXCITED! so after all that I mailed 45 letters Krystian and I left she made us dinner tonight and it was FABULOUS! Yum! I felt like I was at some fancy food place that I should have paid lots of money for!

Kennedy and I went on a trip to Wally World it was quite the blast! She is one funny girl! I tried to get her to get phish food ice cream, she didn't think I was as funny as I thought I was but that's okay! (:


I took Kade to soccer tonight and all the other parents thought I was his mom, that would have made me like 12 when I had him. Crazy people. One of the parents talked to me and I had to make it clear that I was NOT his mommy. I was glad when it was over, so all the weird looks stopped, people are so judgemental...

Day 2: The realization that Jeremy Camp is following us, but we are pretty cool people to be around!

Day 2:

• Keaton & Kennedy get off to school with no problems and no late bus!
• Kylie & Kade on the other hand, their bus shows up 20 early, nearly throwing Krystian and myself in to pure panic, but the bus driver waited and everything else went smoothly
• Krystian and I enjoyed mini chocolate chip muffins for breakfast, tasty!

So let me explain the title for this blog post... it started yesterday, we (krystian and i) get in the car to go to lunch and Jeremy Camp is on, this happens twice, we get in the car with Kennedy later and he is on again, by this point is seems like we have heard him all day (which neither of us have a problem with that because he is amazing) and then today pandora, first song on - Jeremy Camp, Empty me! How many people can say Jeremy Camp is following them?!

For lunch, Krystian and I had grilled cheese and spaghetti o's! super yum! & jammed out to NEWSBOYS! (lovethem) (:

The song stuck in my head, currently.

"I have tried more of me and come up dry, trading you for the things that go away, my happiness is found in less of me and more of you..."

This by far one of my favorite songs. I love Shane & Shane.

& This would be later...

Dinner went well, Kade loved it! Kylie had soccer practice at 6:30 so we ALL went to the park to enjoy the nice day! We saw Steve, Faith, Ian, & Zac! Then LB came for a short visit, then we did some chores, and had a snack! We watched cake boss and outrageous kid parties...(too crazy of a show 31,000 on a party, REALLY!?) Kylie didn't really want to go to bed but she's in Kennedy's room reading a book (but secretly I think she is really sleepy, the attiude really came out tonight) Kade thought he'd sneek down to watch some more TV, but I caught him in mid - sneek! Now the older ones and I are watching 19 kids & counting...(I wouldn't want to house/babysit for them, just saying...), it has been a TLC night! I plan on showering soon and heading to bed... so goodnight, sweet dreams, with love !

p.s. - Kennedy makes the most amazing smoothies, EVER! (:

"We definitely threw boring overboard”

Candace & Kevin have went out of town leaving me with their 5 beautiful children, 2 dogs, and the mail to get...I will blog about our adventurous time together!

So, today is Monday, March 14, 2011...

• Phone rings twice before 6: 45 (candace is a very needed sub)
• Kade's hair looks like he stuck his little finger in a light socket
• Kennedy spilt lemonade ALL over the floor
• Keaton & Kennedy's bus was late

Krystian and I got everyone out the door and on the bus without any major choas, panic, or blood...

Krystian and I make it to the church around 9:30ish day goes as followed:
but it's only 3:30 and we have to get dinner in the oven soon...

• said hello to nic (& his Ipad2)
• we wrote a couple of letters ;)
• sent out post cards
• debated on what to have for lunch; not dog, not horse, not mexican food (cause that's dinner for tonight and wednesday), but chicken sounded good.
• Krystian now knows my fear of birds
• so we ended up at Long John Silvers
• eating shrimp !

I feel like that today has been a great day! Keaton just walked in screaming HELLO! so maybe he missed me...Kennedy didn't seem quite as enthused...but that's okay there's two more kids left! (:

time to put dinner in the oven ! more later...

Francesca Battistelli - This Is The Stuff Lyric Video

10 Things I learned from Winter Jam:
1.) Get there WAY early!
2.) Bundle up, otherwise huddle for warmth, and wind blockage.
3.) Not using the hand rail when going down the steps is risky.
4.) Next year I am bringing marshmellows to make smores with all the fire RED had!
5.) Jam out no matter who is looking.
6.) DAVID CROWDER is amazing... oh wait I already knew that, let me try again...
6.) Sitting behind the stage was actually really cool
7.) Some guy in the front row really really really liked Francesa Battistelli.
8.) Newsboys stage preformance was epic, a spinning drummer?!Awesome!
9.) Travis and Garrett know everyone, and their dogs.
10.) I love being an intern, my youth group is great !



So last night was Winter Jam and it was amazing!
David Crowder was my favorite, (duh) but I love
Francesa Battistelli ! And this song explains so well
how I have felt lately.


with love...